How to Not Compromise on Love

Posted on May 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

referee

Have you ever had a fight with your spouse that feels like a wrestling match? Only there is no referee to stop you from repeating the same argument over and over again.

You can’t believe you are still fighting about the same thing for the hundredth time. If only you could get your knuckle-head spouse to understand your point. Maybe if you say it in a different way or with a new example. Nope, it’s still the same darn argument.

It becomes a race to see who can shift the blame off themselves and onto the other one. Soon you have forgotten what you’re fighting about.

All you can think about is how to get out of this argument. Aren’t we supposed to compromise or something? But all you hear is the way your spouse is talking to you. Where’s that referee when we need one?

Here I am. While I’m not in your living room with you, I can loan you my perspective on dealing with relationship conflict. You don’t have to compromise on love when you disagree!

3 Steps to Turning Conflict into Compromise:

Compromise is a possible solution to calling a truce in couple’s arguments. It doesn’t work well when you feel like you are pressured or arm wrestled to give in. You both have to be okay with the final solution.

Step 1 = Identify what you don’t agree on. (This is the easy part!)

Step 2 = Identify what you do agree on. (This may be harder to see at first glance, but you can find a common goal.)

Step 3 = Identify what you can both live with. (What are you each willing to give up to reach a common goal?)

Does this help you end the argument without stuffing it under the rug for another day? If not, you’ve found an argument where you both have very different positions.

2 Ways to Agree to Disagree with Love and Respect:

You can still respect your spouse even if you have differences. And you don’t have to sacrifice your sanity or love when you agree to disagree.

Are you done having this argument again and again? If you are ready to stop the arm wrestling tournament, then you need to know that you can be your own referee. I’m putting these strategies for agreeing to disagree (with love) in your hands:

1. Mark Your Territory: This works great for household maintenance. Decide what tasks you want to be in charge of, and stay out of other’s territories. When you question, critique, or remind your loved one to take care of their territory, you are stepping on your loved ones toes. Ouch!

2. Be Responsible for Your Choices: When you make a choice that your spouse doesn’t agree with, be willing to take responsibility for any consequences that come because of the choice. Love and respect your spouse through his (or her) choices.

Respect upholds love, while stepping on your loved one’s territory or choices, just hurts and repels love. If you can find a solution you can both live with, then do it. But if compromise doesn’t work, then learn to respect each other even if you disagree.

Turn your differences into an opportunity to not just stand your ground, but also respect the one you decided to spend the rest of your life with!

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Photo Credit: “Referee” by Avinash Kunnath

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Grow Amazing Friendships with a Filter Change

Posted on May 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

girls-umbrella

Do you want to have better quality friendships like you did in the good ol’ days?

Remember when your biggest decision was who to play with after school. Eventually these friendships grow or change into who you are going to share your secrets with or cry on when you are broken hearted. Friendships become as important to you as your family.

“Many people will walk in and out of you life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.” ~ Unknown

Our friendships peak and adulthood hits. People go away for school, get married, move for their job, and have kids. Friendships come and go and it becomes hard to keep up with your old friends. Yet you long for the friendships that last a lifetime.

While busyness and location may get in the way of growing great friendships as an adult, there is another culprit – having a negative focused mental filter. Often we have our mental filter set high to keep hurt out, yet we miss out on the opportunities for new and growing friendships. You can change your filter, letting the good in instead of keeping it all out.

Recognize Negative Filter

Recently I watch my daughter try to navigate through new friendship territory with a filter that needs an adjustment. She assumes that others don’t like her, leaves herself out of the activity, and then complains about being left out. As I coach her through the tears, I realize these friendship problems don’t end with adulthood.

Many adults walk around their world surrounded by people yet feeling lonely. Their negative thoughts leave them out. If you have your mental filter set so high that all you see are negatives, you are probably missing out on friendships and resources.

Take a moment to listen to the messages you are focusing on. Do you focus more on the negatives than the positives? If yes, you may recognize some of these negative assumptions:

  • What if they don’t like me or I don’t fit in
  • They want too much from me and I can’t say no
  • I feel left out when I know I’m not their best friend
  • We have too many differences that I can’t relate
  • I can’t handle feeling hurt or rejected again

I imagine these negative thoughts didn’t evaporate after middle school, and that some of you still battle with these negative assumptions now. We all want to be known and connected, but what does it take to make it happen?

Change Your Mental Filter

Imagine that your body is surrounded by a screen. The holes on the screen can be enlarged or shrunk. You can change the size of holes depending on how much you want to let in.

Focus less on the negatives, and you will increase the holes in your screen. Instead of filtering it all out, you will be able to let more in. You will also begin seeing things in a new way instead of assuming the worst.

My daughter is able to see that the girls she wants to play with have a different idea on what to play – it isn’t that they don’t want to play with her. When she focuses less on her negative thoughts, she is able to move toward the girls even if her way is different. The result is making memories instead of tears.

When you look through your screen with new eyes, you can see positives looking back at you. People that are interested in you, what you have to say and spending time with you. If you don’t see these people trying to look through your screen, it’s time to change your screen and stop filtering so much out.

Friendships as Exchange of Resources

I think of friendships as an exchange of resources, one in which both people have a say in what they exchange. The resources may be tangible such as swapping babysitting or tools. Or the exchange may be intangible such as sharing stories and reassurances. Having someone to confide in, to reassure you, and to celebrate life’s milestones is an amazing resource.

While friendships may change as we grow, they are still important. Discover what you do or say to yourself that keeps people out. Then decide to not let your screen be set to negative. Instead be determined to view the exchange in a new way. In this way, you are letting more into your life than you are turning away.

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ” ~ Elisabeth Foley

How have your friendships changed over time?

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Enjoy reading this post? Subscribe via email and download a Free E-Book (Take Charge of Your Worry: 10 Ways to Manage Anxiety Naturally).

Photo Credit: Happy Girls Under Rainbow by Sharon Pruitt

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Cultivate Contentment Instead of Negativity

Posted on April 25, 2012 | 4 Comments

grow-seedling

Do you ever feel sorry for yourself?

It’s a dark place where all you can see is negatives. One negative feeling leads to another just like blowing dandelion seeds to spread more weeds. It’s hard to find anything to lead you out of this dark and rooted place.

When you are cultivating worry and anger, it is hard to view life differently. While you may not feel happy and joy all the time, it is possible to change how you feel by changing your thoughts. You can go from negativity to contentment by cultivating different seeds of thought.

3 Steps to Cultivate Seeds of Contentment

It’s time to pull the weeds of negativity out by their roots.

Step 1: Recognize a Negative Mindset: A negative mindset is narrow, future predicting, or history repeating. It is not being fully present to what is, because you are so worried about what did happen or what could happen.

What is your personal marker for recognizing you are caught in over-focusing on the negative? It may sound something like this: no one cares about me, everyone leaves me, everything I do fails. This is a miserable place to stay and the roots may be deep.

Step 2: Challenge Your Negative Assumptions: There is another way to think about almost anything. If you challenge your thinking, your feelings will follow.

For instance, if your marker for negativity is feeling left out, isolated, and lonely. Then look at how your thinking leaves you out. The more you think negatively, the more you keep to yourself or act based on the assumption that others don’t want to be around you.

If you challenge this thinking, you can find a more objective way to think about others actions or inactions. Then you will be more open to making personal contact with others without presenting only negatives.

Step 3: Practice Gratitude: Focus on what you have more than what you don’t have. Embrace what is instead of what if.

Once you have poked holes in the negative thinking, you are ready to plant new seeds. Grab your journal and fill in the following until you run out of ideas: “I am grateful for ___________________________”

A few seeds that I am cultivating:

  • I am grateful for friends that don’t judge, criticize, or advise.
  • I am grateful for my children’s unconditional love and affection.
  • I am grateful for being debt free.
  • I am grateful for living in a house that we can afford.
  • I am grateful for doing work that I find challenging and interesting.
  • I am grateful for a spouse that works hard and accepts me.

When you get stuck in the negative, it’s so hard to see life any other way. But once you start digging up the negativity, it starts to crumble. Trickles of light are let into the darkness. And problems turn into opportunities, so that life can grow instead of weeds of negativity.

Please share the seeds of gratitude and contentment you are cultivating.

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Related Posts: Riding the Waves of Change; Grant Three Wishes for Joy

Photo Credit: “Child Tending Broken Baby Seedling” by Sharon Pruitt

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