Category Archives: Liberating Parenting

What Guides Your Parenting: Emotions or Goals?

Posted on October 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

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We all say or do things we wish we could take back. We’ve yelled, lectured, shamed, and bribed our kids to behave.  We aren’t proud of these moments, but we’ll all been there.

There isn’t a perfect or right parent, but there can be a more calm parent. If we are feeling desperate to get our kids to obey, we are probably feeling responsible for their behavior. Or maybe we want our kids to help keep us calm and feeling good. When our emotions direct our parenting, we repeat power struggles that leave everyone exhausted and frustrated.

How else do we parent if our feelings are less in charge? We can let our calm thinking and goals direct our parenting actions. By slowing down our reactions, we can identify our thoughts and goals behind parenting our child.

Emotions Can Trip Parents and Kids

First, emotions aren’t bad. Emotions can be very motivating or they can trip us. When we trip, we get in the way of our children learning from their own lessons and mistakes.

“When we need our kids to accept us or validate us by doing whatever we want them to , we make them the caretakers or our emotional remote controls.” ~ Hal Runkel, Family Therapist & Author of Screamfree Parenting

Think about the last time you “lost it” with your child. Maybe you said something you regretted or tried something that flopped. Were any of these feelings driving your parenting actions?

  • Overwhelmed – want kids to hurry or be easy on you because of your own fatigue and/or increased work load
  • Worry – fret about whether kids will be liked, turn into a criminal, be chronically depressed, etc
  • Unsure – doubt self as parent so try everything without sticking to anything
  • Anger – feel unappreciated and/or like no one respects you
  • Guilt – feel bad about focusing on self-care or other interests so give kids what they want

Let Parenting Goals Guide You

You can learn to slow down your reactions with your kids. By redirecting your emotions, you can think more clearly. Let your parenting goals be your guide instead of your emotions.

“To be truly in charge means having the power to create lasting and continued growth, not just exerting power or demanding obedience.” ~Hal Runkel

What is your goal when you interact and/or discipline your child?

  • To win the argument
  • To be right
  • To be respected

Or,

  • To not take sides
  • To not have all the answers to their problems
  • To stay out of their intensity (arguing, whining, complaining, etc.)

Your parenting goals will direct your behavior. Slow down long enough to ask yourself what your goal is when emotions start to heat up.

For example, if my lovely daughter starts to whine, beg, and plead, I have a few choices. I can preach that she’s being a baby and needs to grow up. I can get in a power struggle about how she needs to take her whining to her room, and then realize I can’t get her to her room anymore.

Or, I can let her own her feelings, while recognizing I’m not going to join them. I recognize that she wants to be grumpy without trying to tell her what to do about it. Instead I tell her about me – I am happy to talk more when she’s done with her grumpy mood.

Calm Parenting Thoughts

I am not a perfect parent but have learned that I can calm myself down. I don’t have to engage every feeling my kids have. What helps me stay calm yet connected when my kids have a meltdown? My thinking helps me calm down:

  • Seeing Kids’ Feelings as Separate – Not viewing my kids feelings as a reflection of how they feel about me.
  • Not Feeling Responsible for Their Feelings – Instead know that I am responsible for how I interact with them

Both ways of thinking can liberate a parent and child. While your child may not initially like it when you are calmer, they will grow into it. When you are calmer, your child has an opportunity to stew in their own juices and find their way to calm too. (My daughter can calm herself down when she’s not tripping over me!)

“Be the first one to see your children as individuals, with their own lives, decisions, and futures.” ~ Hal Runkel

What goals guide you to become a more calm and confident parent?

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Related Articles:

When Helping Hinders Child’s Wings From Growing

How To Keep Your Cool When Kids Complain

How To Let Your Kids Grow Up Without Fretting and Fuming

Photo Credit: “Parent and Child” by Skyseeker

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How to Motivate Kids to Clean

Posted on February 8, 2012 | 4 Comments

candy-bracelet

I can still hear my mom repeating, “I’m not the maid.”

I’m sorry your words didn’t motivate me to clean in my younger years. I kept my room tidy, but I didn’t help with general house work. And I don’t think I did a load of laundry until I started buying my own clothes!

The light bulb moment came when I had kids of my own. How quickly I realized my workload is greater when there are more people making messes.

I want to whine and complain, but I take a deep breath. And I remember the Liberating Choice: I don’t have to do it all. If only it is that simple. How will I ever have a clean house and not do it all?

After a year of begging and prodding my kids, I’ve found a system that works to motivate both of my kids to help clean house! I’m going to share 4 steps to help you design a motivational system that works for you and your family.

Step 1: Identify what motivates your kids.

  • Independent Decision Making
  • Quality Time with Mom or Dad
  • Money in Their Wallet
  • Special Treats and Outings
  • The Joy of Hard Work

I imagine it’s not the latter, but you probably have an idea of what motivates your kids to work hard.

Step 2: Define what your child can realistically do on their own (after a brief “training” period).

  • Put away their toys
  • Dust furniture
  • Vacuum
  • Put away clean laundry
  • Sort dirty laundry
  • Make their bed
  • Empty trash cans

I’m a firm believer in starting this early. There will be less resentment built up in you, and less surprise for your kids when you no longer do everything for them. It’s your turn to decide what you no longer want to do.

Step 3: Decide what you are willing to give them in exchange for their hard work.

While I’m not willing to pay my kids for every responsible behavior, I am willing to pay them for some cleaning jobs. I decide the wage, and only pay them when the job is done.

Step 4: Hang on through the training period.

Once you find a motivational system you like, hang onto it through the training period. Even if the system is something they will enjoy earning, they are likely to complain or try to get out of doing their jobs.

I leave the job completion in their laps, while fighting off the urge to beg them to complete the work. What boss wants to pay their workers after begging them to work? Not me! I remind them once, they get paid or they don’t.

Developmental Ideas on Motivating Kids to Help Clean:

And after the training-complaining period, I realized I’d found two motivational systems that can I change as my kids grow. Here they are:

Elementary Age Child: My 7 year old earns .25 to .50 cents per job. She gets paid once a week. On pay day, she decides how much she wants to save and how much she wants to give away. In the beginning, she paid a fine if she refused to do her jobs, but now she does them with minimal whining.

Preschool Age Child: My 4 year old earns one “mom dollar” per job. He can buy items from the mommy store, depending on how many dollars he has saved. I’ve revised the store prices and offerings as needed, but it includes computer time, frozen yogurt, card games, dollar store, and special dates.

My youngest wasn’t motivated by real money. He had no idea what to do with it, and is much more interested in earning special treats and play time. While my daughter, takes pride in buying things for herself, her friends, and donating money. This is what works for us.

And this is my story of how I haven’t become a maid in my own house. While whining and frustration occurs, I mostly appreciate their effort and my not having to do it all.

What liberating choices have you made in your house lately? What helps you stick to these choices?

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Photo Credit: “Broken Candy Bracelet” by Pink Sherbert Photography

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Be Moved By Teaching Children About Giving

Posted on December 14, 2011 | 7 Comments

cath-rainbow

“I won’t be made useless.
I won’t be idle with despair.
I will gather myself around my faith.
For light does the darkness most fear.” ~Hands by Jewel

Last year, my counseling practice was struggling due to the stormy economy. One way I cope with uncertainty is looking for abundance and sharing where I feel blessed. I want to stop focusing on the bumpy road, and look for the blessings that are right in front of me. 

It is easy to lose sight of our blessings. My daughter, who is a budding philanthropist, challenges me with her innocent, caring spirit. In a post I wrote last year about wanting to expand our family giving, I shared how she questioned our giving only during the holidays.

I was so moved by her challenging, caring spirit that I made regular giving into a New Year’s resolution. My goal was to find 12 activities that I could do with my children that shared what we have with others. 

It dawns on me that I’m not writing solely about teaching kids about giving, as much as they have taught and inspired me to reach beyond my comfort zone. Would you like to be moved to give beyond your comfort zone? Teach a child about giving, and it will move you.

5 Ways to Teach Children About Giving:

  1. Eliminate Commercial Advertisements: We use a DVR to record our favorite shows. We never have to watch commercials again. I find the less commercial advertisements my kids watch, the less toys they are enticed to want. Advertisers are great at marketing to children.
  2. Make a Give List: We typically focus on asking and getting children what they want for special occasions. So, this year, I decided to share the joy and responsibility of giving gifts with my children. Each child writes a list of who they want to give gifts too. They can make, buy, or give away their own treasures to those on their list.
  3. Create a Donation Jar: My oldest child earns money for doing chores. On her weekly pay day, she gives away some of her money to a organization/charity of her choosing. She simply places the dollars/coins in the jar that she wants to give away. From this jar, she has purchased toys for children who survived the aftermath of the Haiti earthquake. And, now she is saving money in the jar to share with her school.
  4. Find Giving Activities To Do as a Family: Within a 12-month period, I found a giving activity that we could do as a family each month. We rang a bell for Salvation Army at Christmas time. We baked a cake for families visiting their children at a local hospital. We helped a family have food for Thanksgiving dinner, the homeless have coats in winter, and Joplin tornado survivors have flashlights for rebuilding. We ran races for local schools and scholarships. We picked up trash in our neighborhood on Earth Day and made cards for cops on Patriot Day. Once you start looking, the needs are endless. Focus more on who you are giving to than on what you are doing for them.
  5. Recognize the Difference Between Giving and Caretaking: My daughter tends to be a caretaker, like her mother. I think of caretaking as doing things for others that they can do for themselves. I gently remind her the difference between giving to others that can’t help themselves vs. helping those that can (but don’t) help themselves. I don’t want to raise a doormat or a bulldozer. Instead, I watch my daughter blossom into a caring, giver who thinks of others as much as she thinks of herself.

Discussion Question: How do you teach children about giving? Or, how have children moved you with their giving gestures?

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 Photo Credit: “Catching Rainbows” by Pink Sherbet Photography

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