Category Archives: Liberating Parenting

Gratitude Found in Unlikely Places

Posted on November 7, 2011 | 5 Comments

mom-daughter-chat

What did you swear you would never say to your own kids?

Well, I have a confession to make. It is one of those things I swore I would never say. Yet, I find myself griping at my kids for being ungrateful.

You know the scene. You’re leaving a fun family outing when the complaining starts. One of your kids wants more. The begging, whining, and griping ignites something in you. And, you complain in return, “Why can’t you be thankful with what you have, instead of focusing on what you don’t have?!”

Over-Focusing on Negatives

Have you ever said this to your kids? 

I don’t stop with one complaint. I start picking on all the things they don’t thank me for. And, soon I’m a resentful, burned out mom. All I can see is how I’m doing it all but getting nothing in return.

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.” ~ Wayne Dyer

One day, I realize that I’m expecting my kids to be grateful when I’m not modeling this very well. I’m the one who is being ungrateful and missing out on joy. I can keep focusing on the negatives, or I can look for the abundance lurking in the moment.

Tuning into Abundance

I begin watching my kids for signs of gratitude and appreciation, and I start to recognize how my kids thank me all the time. It’s not in the most likely way – through their words.

Once I start looking for positives, I am challenging my negative assumptions. And, here’s what I find – kids speak gratitude though their actions more than their words.  My kids show me gratitude and appreciation by:

  • Repeating what they enjoy doing with me in their play
  • Imitating my teaching, nurturing, and caring with others
  • Running to greet me when I get home
  • Showing me what they are doing/making

I recognize, once again, that when kids complain it doesn’t mean they don’t care. And, I remind myself that a child’s love is bigger than their fleeting complaints or their “gimme more” fits.

Gratitude Given and Received

In looking more for positives than negatives, I’ve found gratitude. Negatives don’t have to cancel out the positives. I can change my perspective and find gratitude in the most unlikely places by:

  • Releasing resentment before it builds up
  • Focusing on positives as much as negatives
  • Taking complaints less personally

I may not receive a thank you for all the little things I do for my kids, but I can tune into all the little things my kids do to show me appreciation. And, as I look for abundance, I find gratitude both given and received.

Where do you want to tune into abundance instead of scarcity?

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Related Posts: How to Keep Your Cool When Kids Complain

Photo Credit: “Mother and Daughter Chat” by loomingy1

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When Helping Hinders Child’s Wings From Growing

Posted on September 19, 2011 | 5 Comments

butterfly wing

A butterfly takes flight for the first time, showing it’s beautiful colors. What would happen if it feared the transformation? Or a fellow butterfly hindered it’s flight? The butterfly’s wings would freeze or get stuck in it’s cocoon.

As parents, it is hard to see our kids get stuck. We want to see them grow and reach their dreams. And, we would do almost anything to help them reach their goals. But, when does helping our kids hinder their growth?

Re-learning A Parenting Lesson

Recently, my daughter learned to ride her bike. It was a much longer process than I anticipated. Her fear got in the way. She would start peddling, get scared, and stop. For months, I held on to her seat, her arm, or her back until we were both tired of trying.

I almost lost hope. Then, I realized that I needed to let go. I was holding on too tight and hindering her flight. By holding on to her, I was agreeing with her fear, that bike riding is scary.

When I let go, she just did it. She couldn’t believe that she was riding all by herself. To see her do it all by herself was gratifying to both of us. It was a day to celebrate.

Letting Go and Letting Growth

What about you? Are there areas you might be holding your child back from growing?

I wasn’t intentionally holding her back. I was trying to be patient, yet was treating her fragile. I had tried talking to her about facing her fears, but it didn’t help. My actions didn’t match my words.

I had to get out of the way, and show her I wasn’t afraid. By letting go, I invited both her triumphs and her falls. I was no longer treating her fragile and hindering her wings from growing.

As parents, we don’t intentionally get in the way of our child’s growth. In fact, it is really hard to see how we could be interfering with our child’s mastery of a task or conquering a fear.

Markers of Over-Helping

How do you know when your helping is getting in the way of your child’s growth? In theory, the more one thinks they have all the answers, the more the other one has none.

Here are some markers of over-helping:

  • You think you have all the solutions, while your child doesn’t seem to have any solutions.
  • You spend great time and energy trying to solve their problem.
  • You want them to reach the goal more than they want it.
  • You treat your child fragile as if they are broken, lost, or sick.
  • Worry about your child is guiding you more than the facts.

I wanted my daughter to master this new task more than she wanted to. I expected her to master it as fast as I did. I was worried that she would be the only  one on the block her age that couldn’t ride a bike. And, I eventually let her worry convince me that she needed a lot of help.

Fear Turns Into Joy

Once my daughter faced her fear without my interference or over-helping, she smiled so big. She told me, “Now, I believe what is in my heart, instead of what my worry says in my head.” My heart melted.

Not all challenges that kids face are this easy to overcome. As you know, once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Yet, most challenges are faced again and again. We have many opportunities to let our child grow and learn.

Ways to let go and let kids grow:

  • Ask them what they think will help.
  • Be present when they stumble and struggle without having all the answers.
  • Put your worry in a container, so they can find their own way.
  • Share when you observe them mastering a new skill even if it’s sporadic.
  • Believe in them.

Just like my children, I stumble and slip up. I am re-learning how to let my children face their fears without getting in the way. I can let them show all their colors as their wings get stronger. In doing so, fear becomes joy.

Let me share one of our joys. It’s a song my daughter and I enjoy singing together, even if out of tune – “Butterfly Fly Away” by Miley Cyrus. Enjoy:

 

What parenting lessons are you re-learning? Where do you need to let go and let grow?

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Related Posts:

Let Kids Grow Up Without Fretting and Fuming

What Not To Do: When Your Child Fears the Dark

Photo Credit: “Broken Butterfly Wing” by Claudio Gennari

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Coming Soon: My e-book is finished on Taking Charge of Your Worry. I’m putting on the finishing touches and working on delivery services. It will be available very soon!

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What Not to Do: When Your Child Fears the Dark

Posted on June 20, 2011 | 7 Comments

Cozy in my soft blanket, I let go until dawn’s first light. Expecting a good night of sleep to renew and exhilarate me.

That is, until someone wakes me up. I startle at the sight of my youngest child, standing by my bed. He looks at me through half-opened eyes in the dark night. He tells me, “I’m here.”

I reach out to check his forehead for any signs of a fever, as I ask him “Are you sick?” My son replies quietly, “No, can I sleep with you?” I am groggy with the desire to drift peacefully back to sleep. After a pause, I pull him up onto our bed, and respond with, “Okay, just this once.”

Fear Grows in the Dark

This began a month long struggle of my 3-year-old son waking me up in the middle of the night. My child, who began sleeping through the night at 7-weeks-old was no longer sleeping soundly. He was suddenly afraid of the dark.

After several nights of trying to coax him to stay all night in his own bed, I was growing weary and frustrated. When I’m tired, I get much less effective as a parent. I mistakenly thought I could plead, beg, and remind him to sleep in his own bed.

Have you ever begged your kid to solve their own problems? It doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s not what you do as a parent, it’s what you don’t do that fosters problem solving. (It took me several weeks to remember this, and I’m the “expert.”)

Pick on a Problem and It Will Grow

First, I did research on children who fear the dark. We went to the library and checked out loads of books on the topic. One of my favorite children’s book is The Monster Who Ate the Darkness  by Joyce Dunbar.

It’s about a little monster who is lonely, so he eats up all the darkness, hidden and seen. But no one can sleep, including a little boy who is afraid of the dark. The monster decides to release the darkness back into the world. In doing so, he finds comfort in covering the little boy in a blanket of darkness. Peaceful sleep is found in the cradle of darkness’ arms.

Second, I tried reassuring my son with my wisdom and wit. Reminding him that there are fun things about being in the dark, like lightning bugs, campfires, and flashlight tag. All my reassurance and research wasn’t working, he was still convinced that something scary creeps into his room at night.

The more I fretted about not getting a good night’s sleep, the more I tried to be responsible for abolishing my son’s fear. I had forgotten that fear is normal, and it can pass. That is, if I can stop picking at it!

The Choice That Liberates Fears

The more I took care of his fear, the more he needed me. I discovered a choice that liberated me from being held hostage to his fear. The choice not to be responsible for his sleep. Instead, I can manage my sleep deprived self.

I began defining myself, instead of defining my son. I stopped laying down with him. And, I stopped letting him lay down in our bed. Instead, I told him, “you can’t sleep in mommy’s bed.” When he showed up after dark, I reassured him that he is safe, and quickly took him back to his bed.

While it took him a month to realize he is safe in his room at night, he now proudly boasts, “I am not afraid of the dark now.” It seems the less “helpful” I am, the more my kids help themselves.

Children Are Not As Fragile As We Think

We want the best for our children, but sometimes doing for them undercuts their growth. Treat others as capable, and they will eventually shine their way through the dark.

When do you not do something for your child?

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Photo Credit: “Dreaming Children” by Raul A

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