Tag Archives: feelings

Redirect Your Emotional Roller Coaster

Posted on August 20, 2012 | 2 Comments

rollercoaster-hole-down

Do you ever feel like your emotions are out of control? Like you are riding on a roller coaster and unsure how to get off the virtual ride.

I think everyone experiences emotional ups and downs. And the hard truth is our emotions control us more than we like to admit.

While you may have years of repeating the same reaction, it is possible to establish new pathways in your brain. With practice, you can redirect your emotional responses and level out the ride.

Shedding Light On Our Emotions:

While emotions aren’t good or bad, they can be experienced as positive or negative. Positive emotions motivate us to achieve our goals. While negative emotions can derail us from developing connections and intimacy.

Emotions are so much more than giving your feeling a name. Emotions are made up of physiological sensations in our bodies, as well as how we think about the situation, and act in reaction. All of these reactions can occur outside of our awareness.

The emotional center of the brain (the limbic system) reacts in a split second when it perceives a challenge or threat. We are all hardwired at birth with the stress response, where we either fight or flight when faced with real or perceived danger. This is obviously useful in some situations, and not as useful in most social interactions.

Changing the Course of Your Emotions:

The good news is our brains can be redirected with persistent practice. You can change the course of your emotional roller coaster. When you feel your emotions are running you off course, you can get back on track by activating the thinking part of your brain.

Step 1 = React – This is the easy part. The part we are all really good at. Reacting emotionally before it enters into our awareness. Your brain senses a threat and begins making bodily changes in an attempt to rev up or adapt to the challenge.

Step 2 = Recognize – Identify what works for you to bring your reaction into awareness. If you immediately retreat, defend, or attack, then find ways to slow down your reaction time. Become a good observer of your self, and how your body and mind feel when you are experiencing a particular emotional response.

Step 3 = Restrain – Once you bring your emotions into awareness, you realize you have a choice in how you respond. You can react how you typically do, or you can restrain your fight-or-flight response. If you think of the situation or person as less of a threat to you, then your emotions will settle down.

Step 4 = Revise – Revise your usual reaction by considering alternative ways to manage your emotions. Now that you are tuning into other possible actions, your thinking brain (the frontal lobe) is more engaged and ready to work for you. You either think yourself out of feeling challenged or find ways to comfort yourself with integrity.

Step 5 = Repeat – Learning to better manage your emotions is not a quick fix. It takes multiple repetitions of these steps to establish a new pathway in your brain. Keep your long term goals in mind. And it will be worth it when you realize you can redirect your emotions.

The goal in learning to change your emotional course isn’t to diagnose yourself as unstable, and it isn’t too eliminate negative emotions. The goal is to shift from negative emotions to more positive or neutral emotions. And to decrease the intensity of your emotional hills and valleys, so you can enjoy the ride!

Which step in the process of redirecting your emotions is the hardest for you?

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Photo Credit: “Thunder Roller Coaster” by Freakazoid

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Reduce Conflict with a Do-It-Yourself Leak Kit

Posted on March 24, 2011 | 3 Comments

dam-leak

We can all leak like a dripping faucet. Wanting others to stop our leak or collect our water. Most conflict starts right here, with a leak.

A fight starts when you leak your feelings into the relationship. With too much pressure on the pipe, it may burst. The more you focus on what the other is doing, the more pipes are leaking and bulging. The kitchen sink gets involved, and defensive and attacking postures ignite.

Now, you are arguing about how you are talking to each other, instead of the original problem. You are so mad that you have forgotten what started the fight. When conflict gets this intense, it can be hard to contain the leak.

How do we reduce conflict?

Conflict equals putting pressure on others to change. While you may never eliminate conflict, you can reduce it. I’m not talking about keeping the peace at all cost or hiding in a cave.

The most important tool in reducing conflict is learning the difference between “we” and “I” problems. The more you work on yourself, the more you won’t need to leak. The less pressure you put on your loved one, the more personal your connection will become.

I get leaky, we all do. While I can’t stop all my leaks, I can get better at recognizing my part in the conflict. And, I can get faster at catching my leaks. Let me share some tools I have for repairing my own leaks.

3 Tools to Put in your Leak Repair Kit:

1. Identify

Our emotions react faster than our awareness. Our thinking brain is slower to catch up. Once you realize you are having a feeling, identify it, and own it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone doesn’t respond to my message – phone call, email, letter, it’s all the same to me. In the past, I would have told the person that “it hurt my feelings.” This typically invites defensiveness, and hen the conflict starts.

I’ve repeated this conflict many times, with many different people. And, I’m starting to learn that I take their non-response very personally. I take it to mean that they don’t care about me. I’m learning that this is only one of many ways to think about it.

2. Create

Create ways to soothe your own feelings. It can be by changing your thoughts or saying soothing statements to yourself. Or, you may find it more soothing to do something, such as reading, deep breathing, exercising, cleaning, etc. Find what works for you to calm yourself, so you don’t need to leak.

I’m learning that if someone doesn’t respond to my message, it almost always has nothing to do with me. It’s more likely that it is a reflection of the other person. I change my thinking and broaden my perspective. Their actions aren’t a reflection of how they feel about me. My feelings are soothed.

3. Decide

Once you have calmed your reaction, decide whether or not to communicate your feelings. Can you tell your loved one how you are feeling without pressuring them to change? Are you letting your loved one know you are having a leaky moment, but are working on repairing it? That’s personal, not pressure.

I may decide to tell my loved one, “I am worrying again that you don’t want to talk to me.”And when I do, I am not pressing for a discussion, just letting myself be known, in this moment.

Or, I may chose to not communicate my emotions. Instead, I work on communicating what I’m thinking, planning, or doing. “I’d love to catch up” (but am okay if we don’t).

“There are no mistakes or failures, only lessons.” – Denis Waitley

I’m getting better at managing my own feelings. Yet, there will always be those days when I need a do-over. I wake up the next morning, ready to learn from the previous day. Each day is filled with opportunity to learn about myself and what it’s like to be in a relationship with me.

What tools do you have in your repair kit?

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Photo Credit – The Leak by Patrick Emerson

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Posted in Liberating Emotions, Liberating Relationships

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Interrupt Unwanted Emotions with Power Steering

Posted on January 31, 2011 | 6 Comments

Drive-wheel-sunflowers

What are your unwanted emotions? Fear. Panic. Anger. Disgust. Shame.

Without our awareness, emotions can take over. When emotions take the steering wheel, you are in for a wild and hilly ride. Emotions can be really motivating, but sometimes they are more of a detour.

How do we take back the steering wheel from our unwanted emotions? Interrupt unwanted emotions by initiating your thinking power steering.

Interrupt Unwanted Emotions Using Thinking Steps

A frazzled and brave woman walks into my office. She sits down with a sigh. Her two young, curious children trail behind her. She pleads with me to “please do something about my kids. They never listen to me!”

Knowing the challenge of parenting, I offer to be her coach, instead of her kids. I share, “I can’t promise to fix anyone, but we can talk about how you can feel more calm and confident as a parent.”

Reaction

I ask, “give me an example, a time when you are frustrated with your kids.”

She continues in desperation. “I ask them to clean up their toys. They just laugh and get out more toys. I beg and prod them to listen to me. I’ve tried everything from spanking to taking toys away to doing it myself. It can even bring me to tears.”

I reassure her, saying “we all have automatic reactions. Times when things really get under our skin.” I take her to the next step, asking “are there times when you are more or less frustrated with your kids?”

Awareness

She pauses, “I don’t like getting this angry and upset with my kids. It’s worse when I am really tired, or if I’m mad at their father. I’m tired of being the nagging maid of the house.” She sighs, looking down.

I ask, “so how does your husband fit into this battle with your kids?”

She rolls her eyes and says, “he thinks he’s the better parent. He hears me yelling at the kids, and tries to take over. Some nights I welcome his help, and other nights it just makes the situation worse. Makes me want to buy ear plugs when we are both yelling at the kids.” She smirks at herself, getting more comfortable on the couch.

I encourage her, “You are really aware of your feelings, and what increases and decreases your emotions. And, I agree that you are not the whole problem. You only need to work on your part.”

Choices

I continue, “What choices do you have when it’s clean up time?”

This mother of two responds with, “I don’t want to get this worked up over toys on the floor, but I really don’t want to clean by myself. I guess I never realized that I have a choice…I can either ignore the toys or pick them up myself. I don’t like my choices.”

I look her in the eye, saying, “Great, you are getting to your choices, and you want to try something new. What are the choices your kids have at clean up time?”

She looks at me curiously, “None, to do what I say. But, I see where you are going.” She sighs, responding, “I guess they have a choice, to pick up their toys or to leave them on the floor.”

Options

I respond, “I think you are getting the hang of sorting out choices. I  hear you…you don’t want to do the work for them. So, what are your options?”

She reflects. And, as if a light bulb has goes off in her head, she looks at me with some hope in her eyes. She says, “I think I have tried too many things. Trying them all at once just leaves me feeling more desperate and ineffective. I would like to pick one way, and stick with it, no matter how these rascals respond to me.”

I encourage her, asking “So, what are you thinking? What is your plan?”

This newly, hopeful mother shares, “I will try giving my kids a token when they pick up their toys. I will only ask once. If they complete their job, they can trade tokens for fun time with me. And, some how I will find a way to get okay with leaving the toys on the floor, because if I do it for them, I will really lose it.”

Repeat

I congratulate her hard work, sharing “Emotions can get in the way of where we want to go until we learn how to interrupt them. It takes continued practice to rev up your thinking powers. So, don’t give up, just keep at it. You may swerve off the road, but you are learning how to get back on track.”

She smiles with relief, “After yelling at my kids, I feel so guilty. Now, I feel less like a bad mom. I’m a mom with choices.”

What helps you interrupt unwanted emotions? Please share what helps you get back in the driver’s seat.

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Photo Credit: Razvan Caliman

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Posted in Liberating Emotions, Liberating Parenting

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