Tag Archives: awareness

5 Myths Overwhelmed Moms Believe

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Being a mom has its exciting and tender moments. But it can also be stressful and frustrating, especially in today’s busy, fast-paced, indulging culture. We care so much for our children, and want the best for them. But we can lose sleep over them, because we want everything to be just right for them the next day.

When we over-give of ourselves, we can become drained and begin easily yelling at our children for the little things. To cope with feeling overwhelmed and irritable, many moms are turning to prescription stimulants or alcohol to get through the day.

In an age where we are trying to do more for our kids than ever, it can be hard to realize we have choices. It’s no wonder the movie Bad Moms has been such a hit. Moms are tired and want permission to slow down, breathe, and do less.

So I’m here to help lend a hand. I want to invite you to tune into what’s driving you to be overwhelmed when it comes to being a parent. I realize my invitation is being delivered in a crowded sea of Pinterest inspired ideas to be the perfect, creative, organized mom. But in this moment, I want you to reflect instead on what’s best for you.

Identify Mindset that Drives You to Be an Overwhelmed Mom

Let’s first take a look at the myths overwhelmed moms typically believe. Before you can see your choices, you need to be aware of what’s behind your frenzied pace, mom meltdowns, or sleepless nights. Read through these myths and note which ones you relate to the most:

Myth #1: “I can do more if I speed up.” To get more done, I need to schedule more things into my day and on my to do list. I almost always feel hurried to get somewhere or get something done at a certain time. When I hurry myself, I am more forgetful, less present, and more irritated.

Myth #2: “I must protect my loved ones from rejection and unhappiness.” Moms that believe this myth believe their primary role is to raise kids that are happy and well-liked. Its hard to see my kids upset, so I usually let them have what they want even if I said no the first time. I don’t think my kids can handle rejection, so I try to talk to mediate their social problems at school. I give my kids advice often, because I don’t think they know how to solve their own problems.

Myth #3: “No one else will do it (or do it right).” I can’t stand the way my kids or spouse clean up, so I need to do it myself. If I don’t do everything around the house, then no one else will do it. I wish I could do less, but it’s so hard for me to leave things undone.

Myth #4: “If I meet my families needs, they will meet mine.” If I invest in others, they will invest in me. I don’t need to carve out time for myself, because I’m waiting on others to tell me it’s ok to slow down and do less. If I make them happy, they will make me happy. I don’t know how to make myself happy without their actions.

Myth #5: “I must always be prepared for every possible outcome.” Moms that believe this myth are always prepared and a step ahead. As a mom, we need to possess super-human ability to take care of others. We must know what others need even when they don’t know themselves. We must have everything ready for them to be successful. We must protect them from failure, as others can’t handle learning from their own mistakes.

Increase Awareness on What Drives You to Drain Yourself

Awareness can be uncomfortable, but it is the first step toward change. Doing so takes courage, so thank yourself for taking the time to answer these questions. Which myth are you believing that creates more fuel to hurry up, over-give, and drain yourself empty?

I struggle with Myth #5 the most. The idea that I don’t have to be prepared for everything and that my kids can prepare themselves is something I’m still working on. Problems can go unsolved. My kids can experience their own consequences for being unprepared, learn from them, and be ok.

When you stop doing it all, your kids or family may blame you. They don’t want you to change. But that doesn’t mean you don’t still have a choice and an invitation to slow down, reflect and choose differently next time.

Christine Arylo in her podcast on the “Super Power of Slowing Down” invites all women to complete this sentence: “If I slow down, I fear ________________.” How do you complete this sentence?

Share your answers to these reflections in the comment section, so other moms know they aren’t alone. And stay tuned for Part 2 in the “Overwhelmed Mom” series. We will explore how to make “Empowering Choices” as  a mom in a world that doesn’t make it easy to slow down and tune into what you need.


I love working with moms from all seasons of life! If you tired of being overwhelmed and want to feel less stressed out, set aside an hour to devote to self-care and consult with Marci at her office. Or Missouri residents can also consult with her online via Talkspace.

 

Adapting to Death in the Family

I am often asked how to grieve when someone dies in their family. Most people want to get through the grief process as fast as possible, because of the great deal of emotional pain that you experience when a relationship ends. Some individuals want to express all the emotions they are experiencing in hopes that they will get through their grief faster. And others try to distract their self from the pain or deny the loss’ impact on their family.

While I think it’s important to explore how the individual adapts to the loss of having this person in their life, it is just as important to explore how the family as a whole deals with the loss. Families vary in their ability to manage stressful events and emotionality.

Some losses have profound impact on how a family functions day to day, like in the death of parent in a young family. As anxiety increases in the family about future loss, heightened stress, and leadership changes, how does one get comfortable enough to explore and learn from these changes in the family?

Dr. Anne McKnight, Director of the Bowen Center for the Family, shares a different way of looking at death in the family beyond how one individual is coping. Dr. McKnight shares that the “death of an individual changes how a family operates.” To hear the 30-minute interview with Dr. Anne McKnight on how a family reacts and reorganizes itself after the death of a loved one, watch this:

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While families vary in their ability to deal with stress, changes, and emotionality, the death can have a ripple effect for years to come. Prior to the loss, a family may have dealt with a stressor or symptom calmly, but now the family may be on high alert for future real or perceived threats.

The more aware one is that the death is having an impact on how they deal with everyday stressors, the more choices it opens up for how one adapts and moves forward. Awareness can also bring opportunities when a person felt stuck prior to the loss. For some, it is a natural time to re-evaluate their life, relationships, and goals.

So there isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve, just what works for you while taking a look at the whole picture. As you and your family try to adapt to the loss, it’s important to consider the role of the deceased person before their death and how the family deals with the relationship disruption over time. It’s natural to want to prevent loss and disruptions, just as it is to try to deal with the challenges we are dealt throughout life.

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Subscribe to Family Matters on You Tube to hear more thoughtful interviews. The mission of the Bowen Center is “to assist families in solving major life problems through understanding and improving human relationships.”

And if you would like to explore how you and your family are adapting to the emotional wave of death of a loved one, you can schedule an appointment with Marci in Kansas City MO area or online either via “Skype” or Talkspace.

3 Unique Ways to Enjoy Your Marriage More

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I have a confession to make. If you visited my mind, you would hear me blaming others for my unhappiness. I am thinking I would be happier if only I could get my kids to do this or my spouse to not do that.

Shocking I know to find out I am human too. I hope you find reassurance in my confession. Even relationship and personal growth gurus occasionally struggle with blaming others and shirking responsibility.

I know I’m not the only one that blames others for their own unhappiness in a relationship. I don’t like to stay in blame, because it prevents me from finding another way to think or relate. Let’s not simply wait for others to change, let’s do our part to live happier, more connected lives and relationships.

Redefine Marriage as a Personal Growth Adventure

When couples come to my office, I hear them attempt to find yet one more way to convince their partner to meet their needs. I know most marriage counselors encourage this kind of discussion, but I find it is just another way to (sometimes unintentionally) avoid taking responsibility for their part in the relationship.

Instead of finding another way to work on your spouse, I’m proposing something unique – working on your self. In other words, working on managing your own emotions, thoughts, and interactions with your spouse. In doing so, we redefine marriage as an adventure where you get an opportunity to define and grow yourself with each interaction with our spouse.

“Marriage is a journey, not a destination.” ~ Dr. Corey Allen, Simple Marriage Manifesto

Adventures can be fun and interesting. On your journey you will encounter  challenges and take risks. And if you allow yourself to view marriage from a new perspective, it will push you out of your comfort zone. When you view marriage as a personal growth adventure, it’s easier to take the challenge and enjoy the journey.

Growing Self as Way to Enjoy Marriage More

When you embrace the challenge of growing yourself (instead of your spouse), you will put less pressure on the relationship to keep you calm and happy. With less pressure, it is easier to connect intimately and enjoy each other’s company.

Turn the pressure into motivation to be the best mate you can be – interaction by interaction. On your personal growth adventure, cultivate three things in yourself:

1. Self-Awareness: Identify Your Part in Co-created Problems (Observe your positive and negative interactions with your spouse. What do you think your part is in the co-created distance and/or conflict?)

2. Self-Responsibility: Take Responsibility for Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions (We all have the tendency to either put all the blame on ourselves or the other person. Instead of shifting the blame back and forth, own just your part.)

3. Self-Directed: Become less Regulated by Others’ Reactions (How do you let your spouse’s reactions get under your skin less? Start to see your spouse as separate from you. Instead of fixing or avoiding your spouse, care curiously.)

The adventure of growing your self in never done, but you can learn to enjoy the journey. You will have many opportunities to work on yourself, especially in important relationships. If you fall in love with enjoying the adventure of growing yourself, you will enjoy the adventure of your life.

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Maybe you aren’t trying to enjoy your marriage more, but cope with your marriage ending. Read about 3 Important Ways to Cope When Marriage Ends.

Photo credit: “The future is yours” by Nattu